Sometimes, when the kids do something especially memorable or hilarious, I jot it down on a notes app on my phone. I’ve amassed a fair collection over the last 1-2 years, so it’s time to put it somewhere a bit more lasting, and why not give others a giggle simultaneously.
Finn (4), who had been out of diapers overnight for a month at this point: “Can I have a treat for not peeing in my pants? Just one treat?”
Me, chuckling: “You’re just…”
Remember how Thea called Ozzy’s Crazy Train “The Froggy Song” at two years old because the rattle at the start sounds like one? Well Finn (4) dubbed Phil Collin’s In the Air Tonight to be “Olaf Song” because that’s what the “Oh Lord” parts sound like to him. We shall never call it anything else.
Context: “FurReal” toys are animals that move and make sounds, responding emotionally to how you handle them. Like, happy when fed, cry when not snuggled, etc.
Thea (7), after parenting the FurReal Dragon she got for her birthday for all of two hours: “Why do I have to keep feeding you all the time?!”
Finn (4) needs to talk about the Grinch every single day. Usually at bedtime, “I want to talk about the Grinch…The Grinch does not fight.” That’s often the entirety of the discussion, but he will call us back upstairs if he initially forgot to say it.
Update: This doesn’t happen much anymore, but it was an almost daily occurrence for about a year. There was also a phase of calling people that upset him, “Greasy black peels”.
Finn (4), after crawling into bed with me for a morning snuggle: “I am safe and loved.”
Me: “Yes, you are.”
Finn: “But, Mommy, it’s too smelly.”
Me: “What is smelly?”
Finn: “Your face.”
Thea’s (7) love of Don MacLean’s “Miss America Pie” led to her softly singing, “This’ll be the day that I die,” over and over to herself while playing.
Luke was bending over with his infamous plumber’s crack out, and Finn walked up and very innocently asked, “Dad, you don’t have underwear?”
Finn (3 or 4): “Mama, do you have penis?”
Me: “I do not.”
Finn: “Why don’t you have penis?”
Me: “Because I am a female, a girl.”
Finn: “But why you don’t have penis?”
Me: “I have a vulva. Inside we both have urethrae, which is where the pee comes out, but the part on the outside that can be seen looks different.”
Finn: “…So your penis is hiding behind you?”
Put my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles hoodie on Finn (4), then watched him run away shouting, “I’m a froggie, I’m a froggie!”
A few great lines from Thea between 7ish and 8 years old:
- “You can’t BUY money, Finn. You have to PAY for money, with money.”
- “I wish I was young like Finn.” – Wistfully said by a 7 year old.
And a couple solid one-liners that had to be documented from Finn between 3ish and 5 years old:
- “Bye-bye, have a weekend!”
- “I’m the biggest boy I ever seen in my whole life.”
- “I’m not a tornado, I’m a Finnado!”
- And, pronunciations we will never correct because they are delightful:
- “Bite-a-nin D” (Vitamin D)
- “Pajammies” (pajamas)
- “Gramma Mareera” (Grandma Maria)
My love of popcorn is well-known, it’s like 63% of my personality at this point. Well, when I occasionally make myself a bowl after the kids go to bed at night, Thea (8) always sniffs it out from her bedroom upstairs through the closed door, and shows up in the living room within a few minutes for the sole purpose of stealing a piece before going back to bed. Yeah, I made that.
In case anyone was wondering how much sports the kids watch on our house, Finn (5) saw a hockey clip in a hotel lobby earlier this Winter and said, “Are those robots fighting??”
*Finn (5) says something singsong under his breath.*
Thea (8): “Don’t say “fucking”, Finn.”
Finn: “I didn’t say fucking! I was singing a song!”
Thea: “Okay, well, even though you didn’t say fucking, just so you know you shouldn’t ever say fucking, it’s a bad word.”
Finn: “Okay, I won’t say fucking.”
*Luke and I nearly injuring ourselves trying to hold back our snickers.*
Thea had hiccups.
Luke: “Try drinking water. If that doesn’t work, maybe I’ll just scare the bejeesus out of you.”
Finn: “Yeah, he’ll go RAWR and that’ll scare the cheese away.”
Finn (5): “Can you buy me an airplane when I’m older and know how to fly it?”
Me: “If you want an airplane, you’ll have to buy that yourself.”
Finn, distraught: “But I don’t know where the airplane store is!”
Thea (5): “The bathroom lights went on and off three times before you got up here and I don’t know why.”
*one minute later*
Thea: “They did it again!”
Luke: “I didn’t notice anything?”
Thea: “…Maybe I just blinked.”
Batteries in remote control died, Luke hit the power button on the TV to turn it on. Both kids genuinely confused, “How did you DO that?!”
Finn (5) started skating lessons for the first time this year. We took him out on some outdoor rinks a few times beforehand, and he decided he prefers, in his words, “Skating with boots on instead of skates”. Well, when we wouldn’t let him keep his boots on for his first lesson, we instead got to watch him crawling around on the ice for almost the entirety of his first skating lesson with a very “good enough” attitude, politely rebuffing the countless offers of help from various instructors. We got him to actually try staying upright for the last 10 minutes by promising TimBits. I stand by this bribery 100%.