Signs You’ve Been Spending Too Much Time with a Toddler

Here are 12 signs that you’ve been spending a little too much time with a toddler:

1. You catch yourself continuing to sip your cup full of pretend water long after she’s wandered off.
2. The sound of Elmo’s voice makes you feel stabby, but you encourage his existence in your living room because it means you get to sit on the couch an extra five minutes.
3. You spend more than a quarter of your day hanging out in the bathroom because your kid insists she needs to sit on the toilet (but then doesn’t pee until five minutes after the diaper is back on).
4. The soundtrack playing in your head while you sleep is a loop of the alphabet song.
5. You make it through three aisles of the grocery store before realizing you are still wearing the hair clips she put in your hair (bonus points if you are an almost 30-year-old male).
6. Your kid understands she’s not supposed to touch things in stores, and therefore scolds you for “touching” while shopping, and ultimately grabs your hand and drags you outside for not listening to her.
7. You can’t remember the last time you read a book that didn’t prominently feature a caterpillar, fluffy monster, or a little train that could.
8. You spend 45 minutes building a Duplo Lego castle, and then are unreasonably bummed when she goes all Godzilla on it before you can place the last two pieces.
9. Every sweet treat you’ve had in the past week has been eaten while you hide in the pantry. (“Daddy is just reorganizing the pasta sauces again, I’ll be out in a minute, Sweetie!”)
10. You’ve said any or all of the following in the past 24 hours:
    1. “Stop trying to pet the cat with your foot.”
    2. “Fruit Loops are yucky, they just make them that colour to trick adults into eating them.”
    3. “No, Mommy isn’t going to kiss the owie on your tongue better.”
    4. “Magnets are not food.”
    5. “Was that a toot or a poop?”
    6. “Get your hands out of your soup/diaper/nose/friend’s nose.”
11. You can recite at least one 40+ page children’s book, right now, from memory.
12. In the time it’s taken you to read this, you’ve been interrupted at least three times.

If you have experienced four or more of the above symptoms in the past 48 hours, contact your nearest babysitting professional (aka: Uncle), and get a prescription for one Date Night, to be taken within two weeks. Results may vary from absence making the heart grow fonder, to actually having a story to tell at work the next day that doesn’t involve potty training progress. Odds of success are heightened by refilling prescription on a monthly basis indefinitely.